One lousy goodbye!

It was a Thursday afternoon and I was off,at my twins school dropping off some Christmas cookies .. Soon the holidays! Soon Christmas...It was cold , wet outside and grey...I felt a little bit like the weather...not well...Not sure why?

I remember the phone call from my mom.."baba is in the hospital, but it is not very serious. Your friend from school is taking care of him.."
I immediately panicked .. My mom's perception of the seriousness of the situation was not always on point...I felt a squeeze in my heart and immediately got into action ,called the medical school friend who is now a stranger and tried to be as nice as I possibly could so he can treat my dad extra special...

Then it was Friday...A morning call , a text , a fight over the phone to let my dad go in peace...and a wave of crushing sadness and complete paralysis and collapse!!!
He was gone and I did not say goodbye...

Goodbye...When was the last time I kissed him? I was trying to remember...When was the last time I smelled him? I was not able to think ...It was a blur...a feeling of obscure haziness as I was not really living but just existing in a layer of life that was lifeless, breathless and null...

He was there though for the next few days in my dreams...waiting for me in the Saide Church...in the right  aisle of the church... He was smiling at me with his extra large mouth.. and his dreamy eyes and he was happy...
I was happy too to see him... I even felt his hand touching me and it was warm and fuzzy..

Some time later,it was the airplane and the tunes of Fairouz and the mixed and intense emotions of being home and not wanting it!!! the fear of facing reality.. I might not find him in the church..I was not going to see him anymore.. I was not going to kiss him and smell him..

I did not find him...I did not say goodbye...I refused to look or listen or smell the incense ...I was just that other person who was not me ...waiting to go back home and pretend it was just a nightmare and that when I am back to the US, I would still call him and hear him and fight with him...

This was my goodbye...A lousy one!

A little bit of me

After two years, joy and tears ,I am back!
I am back to dream again, be myself ,laugh and cry...In a world that pretends to be civilized and just perfect,where humans lost their humanity, where subjects are scaled and judged by their strength or lack of emotions.. I sit here and cry! I will cry when I need to, when I want to...I will cry if I am happy or sad or when I would like to...
I will cry when life is dark...
I am me and happy to be me.. I am personal , emotional and passionate in a world that has no name, no ethics and no spirit!
I am free and pure.. Am I not His follower? .. He did cry many, many times ..Why would I not cry!?
I am the one whose eyes will be inundated when they meet a little child or other wrinkled eyes..
I am the "home" to a patient because indeed I cried when her eyes cry...
If being civilized is becoming robotic and impersonal then I choose to be wild ,raw and crude! I choose to be a cave woman...I choose to cry!
I will cry, cry, cry all the tears of the robotic humans surrounding me.. I will cry for you and for me and won't apologize!
I will cry the ocean.. I will cry the sea... the infinite majestic Mediterranean sea...I will cry for home, for the hug of my dad.. for the rare C of my daughter.. for the scratch on my son's knee.. I will cry for a fall from a scooter or from a large void in my heart when I look at the horizon and don't find home and the majestic cedar tree...
I will cry at forty...I did cry when I was four and will cry at ninety three..

My wish for you, my friend is to cry too...because your tears are the stamp of your humanity...So are mine...
I am personal, passionate and I cry...No apologies for being me!

RR.