I love you, Lebanon....

I am lying down on the couch,watching TV,Lebanese TV,with a lot of music and trilingual songs...The presenter is just stunning and I keep on watching her every episode in the hopes of seeing her a little fatter...But she remains absolutely in shape...I am so mean!!! not really,not at all...I know who is, though,a lot of people...mean ,jealous and hypocrite but this is not what I want to talk about...I won't waste my energy or time on them...
My daughter wants to start her own business by making small crowns and fans out of paper..I convinced her to change the business as these items are not really essential or useful,especially now in the winter time..She absolutely agreed and switched her business "things" to unwanted items that she will be selling for cents...Her store will be "Stephanie's cents store".I so much enjoy her crazy,funky ideas and her unique personality..I am truly proud of her,of all of them...
My husband is sick today,because of me..Whereas I usually recover in a day,it takes him a week to feel better,but of course,he never misses a day of work...So we are home today,just relaxing...
I have inundated facebook recently with comments here and there,absolutely provocative...I did not mean to,so I erased them...The fact that I did not vote for Jeita Grotto to be one of the seven wonders of the world would be shocking and as I think of it now,a part of me feels guilty,but I know for sure that I couldn't have done it...I cant forget,this is my problem...I love Lebanon so much that I cannot let go!!! I can't understand the disfigurement,the massacres of the nature..I can't understand these concrete blocks blocking our view and all hopes...I can't understand that I won't be able to afford living in downtown Beirut,nevertheless in my beautiful Ashrafieh! and that the Arabs of the gulf region are the owners of my home town...I can't forgive and can't forget! We should have respected the Land of the Cedar,bowed to the majestic tree! I love Lebanon but we don't deserve it...We dilapidated our treasures and blasphemed in the Holy Temple of Lebanon,we don't deserve to be given this title...
The second idea that really bothers me is our need to imitate...When I think of Halloween,I see graves,ghosts,squeletons and so forth...when I think of Berbara,I see a woman hiding in the beautiful mountains of Lebanon,disguised,a Lebanese princess running away from the Romans,because she beleived,she had faith...and I see her knocking on the doors of the villagers,the honest,hardworking and welcoming Lebanese farmers,sharing with them a piece of bread and an olive...I miss my Lebanon and the traditional sweets we prepare for this occasion...How can we trade Berbara for Halloween ? I cannot understand it ..I hope we are not...and that we are just adding another holiday..

Well,this is what I wanted to say and I feel better...Here I said it!

Have a good evening,everyone (the very few of you who are reading me)

Love,

Roula.

Sunshine and Rainbows...

What is it that I am feeling now?Is it frustration,sadness,worry?...I really don't know..
It is just a feeling that invades me at times and leaves me with wide open eyes,staring in the air...It increases my heart rate and my core temperature,then I self consciously interrupt it and jot down some words describing it,as I am doing now...It is an idea or more that hang in my brain,trying to get out from the subconscious to consciousness to become clear,well formed and will try to translate into actions if allowed by the rest of the brain neurons...
I had a meeting yesterday and it was interesting..I usually leave meetings numb and electrified by the negative impulses I sense,but this time,I left neutral even with hopes and it was a positive thing...
I left and chatted with a colleague and we were really supportive of each other.We had the same concerns and we were going to help each other succeed...And then, I realized that it was  definitely not yesterday disguised in today...and that I should not fear that yesterday is going to haunt me again,revisit me with all its unfairness,all its sorrow ,all its negativity...It is a new page,with new people.
No matter how successful an entity was one papers,based on data and pointers...based on numbers and statistics,it is not sufficient enough...What is unmeasured,its spirit,its colors and the people who make it happen is more important..
I woke up this morning and was going to dwell on my misfortune,on all the hardships I went through,and still have to endure,mainly living apart from the people I love...I woke up very early,grabbed the phone and spoke with my mom,on the other end of the earth...I tried to control my voice and not burst into tears..I just wanted to make sure that my parents were fine...and she was.My mother was back to her life and to her routine and that made me feel better.
Talking with others helps so much,laughing,sharing and just being positive and hopeful of tomorrow make the sun shine after the storm...
I need sunshine in my life and no matter how hard things are,I will make sure that I will keep on moving forward...What matters is what I want and how hard  I am going to work to make it happen...and I will make it happen for me,now,at this moment,at present...No one can stop the sunshine and the rainbows in my life..

Wishing all a very good day,lots of blessings and positive thoughts...

Love,

Roula.

A day like any other...

Yesterday, I taught religious education...I never thought in my life that I would be doing it nevertheless in the USA..Because of the snow storm and the class cancellation,I had to combine two lessons into one and do it graciously and in a very interesting way.Fourteen pairs of eyes and ears were judging me .There was some yawning here and there and some occasional sighing but most questions were answered and the material was reviewed and understood..
The girls and boys had many observations and inquiries: What is mercy? Why was Jesus killed? How did he die on the cross? Is he still alive? Can I see him?
Some questions were really hard for me to answer..I had to stick to the catholic teachings and suppress my own point of view of certain things...I made sure not to promise them that with prayers all their wishes would come true,instead I explained to them than in praying they will find guidance...Jesus was a good "guy"..They should find mercy in prayer and meditation...
One of reasons,I decided to teach is basically because my daughters knew nothing about the Bible and its stories..I had to share with them what I knew,the way I was raised...
Still things are different and the weekly hour of catechism is not enough...
Back home,I sat with my family in the living room,watching TV...In a couple of days,there will be quietness and no TV at all.My parents will be back to their routine and my children and I to ours...I feel numb and seem to have adjusted quite well to the changing situation...My chaotic,busy,active life with the four will be back on track.
At her bedtime,Serena decided to play the viola..She has been practicing at school and seemed to be very interested in it,especially that she just started using the bow..She stood up proudly in the middle of the room and requested complete attention from all of us...All of a sudden some screeching noise started emanating from the wooden instrument of music..We thought she was just tuning but it turned out that what we just heard was "jingle bells"...I really couldn't suppress my laughter ,even she started laughing .At least,we all agreed that she needed to have more than 100 hours of practice before making music out of the wooden instrument...
Finally,all the children are in bed and the grown-ups have some time to relax and think...It is good to regroup at the end of day...look at things from afar and see how futile and small some details are...It is good to end the day with a smile and peace of mind.

Have a good evening everyone,

Roula

On and Off

Doctor mom is anxious today...
The count down has started.Soon,my parents will be leaving to the land of the Cedars and I need to get both physically and emotionally prepared for their departure.It does not happen spontaneously.My heart does not have an on and off switch.It cannot open up and shut down ad libitum...Its door knob is all rusted and I have made sure all the locks were thrown away...Three months ago,they knocked at my door and I was expected to open up the gates...The woman I became,their daughter, let them in...and now they are leaving me, the little girl they raised,and somehow, the emptiness they are leaving behind is hulking...
This morning,I woke up very early,with a strong chest pain,the pain of sadness.It travels all along from my throat down to my chest and epigastrium and deep down into my bones and thoracic spine...It feels like icicles traversing my body..It strangles me and squeezes my tears..I waited for the daylight and the sunshine,in the hopes that the morning will wash away my tears.
And now I start my usual ritual of looking for the small sparks of joy around me...It all seems like a big lie...It is hope,imagination and abstract happy thinking that keeps the human race going...Meditation and prayer create a virtual world where all is bright and peaceful...and I keep on reminding myself that all is relative and things only relate to our state of mind...I am thankful for the time I spent with my family and I have accepted that all ends..but I can't be but sad today that this time will be ending soon...I have to turn the switch to off once more and it is hard...

Alfred has something to say!

The sizzling flames in the fireplace,the laughter of my children chasing each other,the flickering light of the scarce candles here and there create a Hallmark atmosphere,yet my mind is not in harmony with the romantic aspect of the situation...I am trying very hard to discern a positive thought amongst all the darkness surrounding me,outside and the anxiety growing stronger inside...
As if Irene was not enough to test my resilience,Alfred is taking a turn playing games with me!
Stranded in a helpless situation,I am trying to reassure myself first and my children second, that everything is going to be fine and that we should take advantage of this opportunity(kind of frequent nowadays) to escape the electronic world of technology and live a simple family life,with lots of bonding and love...
But,I really do miss my dead IPhone and my laptop!I will so keep my despair and nostalgic e-feelings to myself as my oldest daughter is starting to complain that her DSI and Pokemon game are desperately vanishing as well!
I hear other nagging voices echoing my thoughts emanating from an unusually large machine,twelve years of age..My old boom-box has been a faithful companion and friend through the tough moments imposed by the changing weather and the ageing trees of New England...I hear the people in the large neighborhood of Hartford complaining just like me...
It was Halloween.We decide to abide by the rule and to celebrate inside the house,knocking at all the room doors and treating ourselves to two large bags of chocolate and candies...Preparations are underway..I start my artistic transformation of the little flapper girl and flamenco dancer...My girls make-up is stunning and I am proud of my work..I prepare my camera...a picture needs to be shot to commemorate this unique Halloween..We step outside..The four pose cheerfully for me and to our surprise we meet some trick or treaters from two houses down the street...We decide to extend our celebration to the few neighbors who have not fled yet...We had some fun time.The little ones shared their experience and the moms their concern.
Alfred was a tough Autumn snow storm that took the lives of hundreds of trees but gave a fresh breath of caring and love in families and neighborhoods...It brought with him,a lot of flames and memories of adults and children gathered around the fire in some cold dark night...Alfred brought me,my children and my parents together in a space and time that will never be forgotten!