It was in the late afternoon,and I was seeing one of my patients,when I felt a surge of happy endorphins inundate my brain cells...All these years of studying and my time precepting produced a moment of personal pride between me and myself...I was happy that I was able to diagnose based on history and physical exam and I was pretty sure of my diagnosis...but this moment of personal pride took me back where I really did not want to go,this holiday season...It took me back home,to my sister and my father...I was sitting in my room,holding my newly bought stethoscope,so excited to use it and so eager to learn and discover new things...I was so lucky to have my personal patients models,who were so patient with me and would lie down to be examined for hours,my sister and my father...I see myself reading the Bates and practicing...liver span,percussion,auscultation,palpation...repeating,poking and annoying my models...
But I am not there anymore,in my old home,with loved ones...I am here,in my office with a fading smile on my face and disobedient tears who just want to escape the gate of my soul ...I phase out.I am well known to travel in my thoughts and I cannot but leave my space to wonder the streets of Ashrafieh under the rain,in my old boots and my cosy jacket.My eyes sparkle as I see the lights of Christmas everywhere and my ears rejoice to the Christmas Carols,played on the street...Fortunately,I am alone in my office and my facial transformation is not visible to anyone but me...
Christmas has always been a joyful season for me,with a lot of emotions,charged with nostalgia,that brings me back to some points in time that I wish I could forget...happy moments that torture me...moments that are forged in my memories,moments that are transcribed in my genes and transmitted to my descendants...I cant deny who I am,my life experiences...I just have to live with the pain of being away,away from loved ones...from my home...and it is this sensitivity that I inherited and transmitted...
Back to reality...Few days ago, we were in a nursing home,my two daughters and I ,other moms and a girls scout troupe...My eyes were all on them,my girls..I wanted to capture the details of these moments and my tears were barely holding back...I saw in their sparkling eyes,my eyes and in their gestures,my gestures...I saw in their smile mine and the beaming light emanating from their faces was familiar to me..It was a moment of personal pride that would efface any regrets of leaving and going away....
It has been too many years since it was my last Christmas at home...and I thought time would take care of me but it did not...As my tears blur my vision at this moment,I don't feel sad...really, just a squeeze in my heart...just a gnawing pain that won't go away...I know...the moment will pass...but it is a moment away from my parents...I know the moment will pass and laughter will fill my house again when the crowd comes back from the last shopping trip...I know that I will feel blessed again for all the gifts I received this year,for all the good things that came my way and for the people who are in my life,here or miles away...
So for you,people,who are living miles away from me,I am writing today to tell you that I love you and that I am thinking of you this Christmas...
Roula.
But I am not there anymore,in my old home,with loved ones...I am here,in my office with a fading smile on my face and disobedient tears who just want to escape the gate of my soul ...I phase out.I am well known to travel in my thoughts and I cannot but leave my space to wonder the streets of Ashrafieh under the rain,in my old boots and my cosy jacket.My eyes sparkle as I see the lights of Christmas everywhere and my ears rejoice to the Christmas Carols,played on the street...Fortunately,I am alone in my office and my facial transformation is not visible to anyone but me...
Christmas has always been a joyful season for me,with a lot of emotions,charged with nostalgia,that brings me back to some points in time that I wish I could forget...happy moments that torture me...moments that are forged in my memories,moments that are transcribed in my genes and transmitted to my descendants...I cant deny who I am,my life experiences...I just have to live with the pain of being away,away from loved ones...from my home...and it is this sensitivity that I inherited and transmitted...
Back to reality...Few days ago, we were in a nursing home,my two daughters and I ,other moms and a girls scout troupe...My eyes were all on them,my girls..I wanted to capture the details of these moments and my tears were barely holding back...I saw in their sparkling eyes,my eyes and in their gestures,my gestures...I saw in their smile mine and the beaming light emanating from their faces was familiar to me..It was a moment of personal pride that would efface any regrets of leaving and going away....
It has been too many years since it was my last Christmas at home...and I thought time would take care of me but it did not...As my tears blur my vision at this moment,I don't feel sad...really, just a squeeze in my heart...just a gnawing pain that won't go away...I know...the moment will pass...but it is a moment away from my parents...I know the moment will pass and laughter will fill my house again when the crowd comes back from the last shopping trip...I know that I will feel blessed again for all the gifts I received this year,for all the good things that came my way and for the people who are in my life,here or miles away...
So for you,people,who are living miles away from me,I am writing today to tell you that I love you and that I am thinking of you this Christmas...
Roula.
