Christmas....miles away...

It was in the late afternoon,and I was seeing one of my patients,when I felt a surge of happy endorphins inundate my brain cells...All these years of studying and my time precepting produced a moment of personal pride between me and myself...I was happy that I was able to diagnose based on history and physical exam and I was pretty sure of my diagnosis...but this moment of personal pride took me back where I really did not want to go,this holiday season...It took me back home,to my sister and my father...I was sitting in my room,holding my newly bought stethoscope,so excited to use it and so eager to learn and discover new things...I was so lucky to have my personal patients models,who were so patient with me and would lie down to be examined for hours,my sister and my father...I see myself reading the Bates and practicing...liver span,percussion,auscultation,palpation...repeating,poking and annoying my models...
But I am not there anymore,in my old home,with loved ones...I am here,in my office with a fading smile on my face and disobedient tears who just want to escape the gate of my soul ...I phase out.I am well known to travel in my thoughts and I cannot but leave my space to wonder the streets of Ashrafieh under the rain,in my old boots and my cosy jacket.My eyes sparkle as I see the lights of Christmas everywhere and my ears rejoice to the Christmas Carols,played on the street...Fortunately,I am alone in my office and my facial transformation is not visible to anyone but me...
Christmas has always been a joyful season for me,with a lot of emotions,charged with nostalgia,that brings me back to some points in time that I wish I could forget...happy moments that torture me...moments that are forged in my memories,moments that are transcribed in my genes and transmitted to my descendants...I cant deny who I am,my life experiences...I just have to live with the pain of being away,away from loved ones...from my home...and it is this sensitivity that I inherited and transmitted...
Back to reality...Few days ago, we were in a nursing home,my two daughters and I ,other moms and a girls scout troupe...My eyes were all on them,my girls..I wanted to capture the details of these moments and my tears were barely holding back...I saw in their sparkling eyes,my eyes and in their gestures,my gestures...I saw in their smile mine and the beaming light emanating from their faces was familiar to me..It was a moment of personal pride that would efface any regrets of leaving and going away....
It has been too many years since it was my last Christmas at home...and I thought time would take care of me but it did not...As my tears blur my vision at this moment,I don't feel sad...really, just a squeeze in my heart...just a gnawing pain that won't go away...I know...the moment will pass...but it is a moment away from my parents...I know the moment will pass and laughter will fill my house again when the crowd comes back from the last shopping trip...I know that I will feel blessed again for all the gifts I received this year,for all the good things that came my way and for the people who are in my  life,here or miles away...

So for you,people,who are living miles away from me,I am writing today to tell you that I love you and that I am thinking of you this Christmas...


Roula.

Doctor mom,getting ready for Christmas....

It was night...I hear a beeping next to me and a buzzing under my arm..I wake up startled.Is it a dream or reality?...Are they paging me?..Am I in the on call room, again?...Where am I exactly? Then, I hear noises emerging from underneath the blanket..Is it the whistling of a train or some incoherent symphony with a magnitude of chaotic instruments? Or isn't it my husband ?...I remember that I grew older,that I am no longer an intern.Now, I am an outpatient doc with four children married to a 24/7 on call cardiologist,who needed to be awakened by me to answer his page this time,because he had spent an eighteen hours work day,saving lives...I wake him up...He is startled too..Back to reality!...He does his reality check,grabs the phone and answers the nurse on the other line...I can't help it...I listen to the conversation...The physician in me rises and my brain starts functioning...Medical conditions,diagnosis,differential...I am worried about the patient-although I know she is being taking care of by the best...and I start thinking about my own patients,reviewing all the details of the day and of the past weeks..For some reasons,I recall the minute details at nighttime when everything is quiet and my brain is the only one speaking,scrutinizing and in charge...Being detail oriented,obsessive compulsive is for me, part of being a physician...My sleep is disturbed ,but my conscience is clear!
It is Christmas time and my to do list is huge!I have to use all my wit,and juggling skills to fit everything in my schedule...and I have to keep my smile! It is hard during the holiday season,when I miss home so much!
Yet,I have to give myself a pat on the shoulder and keep going,keep on smiling and eliminate all the negative thoughts that try to penetrate my fort...Sometimes,I succeed.Other times,I don't..I am only human and I have learned to give myself breaks...But I am doing my best,as a friend of mine said and I am loving it...
I am loving my life,my ups and downs and myself...We all deserve to be happy...and that pat on shoulder,I am giving it to myself every morning when I look at myself in the mirror...
This Christmas season,I will be remembering and praying for all the moms who are bringing sunshine into their lives,who are making Christmas cheers and laughter resonate in their homes...and to the dads too!
So Merry Christmas,friends! May the peace of Jesus be always with you!

Love,

Roula

I love you, Lebanon....

I am lying down on the couch,watching TV,Lebanese TV,with a lot of music and trilingual songs...The presenter is just stunning and I keep on watching her every episode in the hopes of seeing her a little fatter...But she remains absolutely in shape...I am so mean!!! not really,not at all...I know who is, though,a lot of people...mean ,jealous and hypocrite but this is not what I want to talk about...I won't waste my energy or time on them...
My daughter wants to start her own business by making small crowns and fans out of paper..I convinced her to change the business as these items are not really essential or useful,especially now in the winter time..She absolutely agreed and switched her business "things" to unwanted items that she will be selling for cents...Her store will be "Stephanie's cents store".I so much enjoy her crazy,funky ideas and her unique personality..I am truly proud of her,of all of them...
My husband is sick today,because of me..Whereas I usually recover in a day,it takes him a week to feel better,but of course,he never misses a day of work...So we are home today,just relaxing...
I have inundated facebook recently with comments here and there,absolutely provocative...I did not mean to,so I erased them...The fact that I did not vote for Jeita Grotto to be one of the seven wonders of the world would be shocking and as I think of it now,a part of me feels guilty,but I know for sure that I couldn't have done it...I cant forget,this is my problem...I love Lebanon so much that I cannot let go!!! I can't understand the disfigurement,the massacres of the nature..I can't understand these concrete blocks blocking our view and all hopes...I can't understand that I won't be able to afford living in downtown Beirut,nevertheless in my beautiful Ashrafieh! and that the Arabs of the gulf region are the owners of my home town...I can't forgive and can't forget! We should have respected the Land of the Cedar,bowed to the majestic tree! I love Lebanon but we don't deserve it...We dilapidated our treasures and blasphemed in the Holy Temple of Lebanon,we don't deserve to be given this title...
The second idea that really bothers me is our need to imitate...When I think of Halloween,I see graves,ghosts,squeletons and so forth...when I think of Berbara,I see a woman hiding in the beautiful mountains of Lebanon,disguised,a Lebanese princess running away from the Romans,because she beleived,she had faith...and I see her knocking on the doors of the villagers,the honest,hardworking and welcoming Lebanese farmers,sharing with them a piece of bread and an olive...I miss my Lebanon and the traditional sweets we prepare for this occasion...How can we trade Berbara for Halloween ? I cannot understand it ..I hope we are not...and that we are just adding another holiday..

Well,this is what I wanted to say and I feel better...Here I said it!

Have a good evening,everyone (the very few of you who are reading me)

Love,

Roula.

Sunshine and Rainbows...

What is it that I am feeling now?Is it frustration,sadness,worry?...I really don't know..
It is just a feeling that invades me at times and leaves me with wide open eyes,staring in the air...It increases my heart rate and my core temperature,then I self consciously interrupt it and jot down some words describing it,as I am doing now...It is an idea or more that hang in my brain,trying to get out from the subconscious to consciousness to become clear,well formed and will try to translate into actions if allowed by the rest of the brain neurons...
I had a meeting yesterday and it was interesting..I usually leave meetings numb and electrified by the negative impulses I sense,but this time,I left neutral even with hopes and it was a positive thing...
I left and chatted with a colleague and we were really supportive of each other.We had the same concerns and we were going to help each other succeed...And then, I realized that it was  definitely not yesterday disguised in today...and that I should not fear that yesterday is going to haunt me again,revisit me with all its unfairness,all its sorrow ,all its negativity...It is a new page,with new people.
No matter how successful an entity was one papers,based on data and pointers...based on numbers and statistics,it is not sufficient enough...What is unmeasured,its spirit,its colors and the people who make it happen is more important..
I woke up this morning and was going to dwell on my misfortune,on all the hardships I went through,and still have to endure,mainly living apart from the people I love...I woke up very early,grabbed the phone and spoke with my mom,on the other end of the earth...I tried to control my voice and not burst into tears..I just wanted to make sure that my parents were fine...and she was.My mother was back to her life and to her routine and that made me feel better.
Talking with others helps so much,laughing,sharing and just being positive and hopeful of tomorrow make the sun shine after the storm...
I need sunshine in my life and no matter how hard things are,I will make sure that I will keep on moving forward...What matters is what I want and how hard  I am going to work to make it happen...and I will make it happen for me,now,at this moment,at present...No one can stop the sunshine and the rainbows in my life..

Wishing all a very good day,lots of blessings and positive thoughts...

Love,

Roula.

A day like any other...

Yesterday, I taught religious education...I never thought in my life that I would be doing it nevertheless in the USA..Because of the snow storm and the class cancellation,I had to combine two lessons into one and do it graciously and in a very interesting way.Fourteen pairs of eyes and ears were judging me .There was some yawning here and there and some occasional sighing but most questions were answered and the material was reviewed and understood..
The girls and boys had many observations and inquiries: What is mercy? Why was Jesus killed? How did he die on the cross? Is he still alive? Can I see him?
Some questions were really hard for me to answer..I had to stick to the catholic teachings and suppress my own point of view of certain things...I made sure not to promise them that with prayers all their wishes would come true,instead I explained to them than in praying they will find guidance...Jesus was a good "guy"..They should find mercy in prayer and meditation...
One of reasons,I decided to teach is basically because my daughters knew nothing about the Bible and its stories..I had to share with them what I knew,the way I was raised...
Still things are different and the weekly hour of catechism is not enough...
Back home,I sat with my family in the living room,watching TV...In a couple of days,there will be quietness and no TV at all.My parents will be back to their routine and my children and I to ours...I feel numb and seem to have adjusted quite well to the changing situation...My chaotic,busy,active life with the four will be back on track.
At her bedtime,Serena decided to play the viola..She has been practicing at school and seemed to be very interested in it,especially that she just started using the bow..She stood up proudly in the middle of the room and requested complete attention from all of us...All of a sudden some screeching noise started emanating from the wooden instrument of music..We thought she was just tuning but it turned out that what we just heard was "jingle bells"...I really couldn't suppress my laughter ,even she started laughing .At least,we all agreed that she needed to have more than 100 hours of practice before making music out of the wooden instrument...
Finally,all the children are in bed and the grown-ups have some time to relax and think...It is good to regroup at the end of day...look at things from afar and see how futile and small some details are...It is good to end the day with a smile and peace of mind.

Have a good evening everyone,

Roula

On and Off

Doctor mom is anxious today...
The count down has started.Soon,my parents will be leaving to the land of the Cedars and I need to get both physically and emotionally prepared for their departure.It does not happen spontaneously.My heart does not have an on and off switch.It cannot open up and shut down ad libitum...Its door knob is all rusted and I have made sure all the locks were thrown away...Three months ago,they knocked at my door and I was expected to open up the gates...The woman I became,their daughter, let them in...and now they are leaving me, the little girl they raised,and somehow, the emptiness they are leaving behind is hulking...
This morning,I woke up very early,with a strong chest pain,the pain of sadness.It travels all along from my throat down to my chest and epigastrium and deep down into my bones and thoracic spine...It feels like icicles traversing my body..It strangles me and squeezes my tears..I waited for the daylight and the sunshine,in the hopes that the morning will wash away my tears.
And now I start my usual ritual of looking for the small sparks of joy around me...It all seems like a big lie...It is hope,imagination and abstract happy thinking that keeps the human race going...Meditation and prayer create a virtual world where all is bright and peaceful...and I keep on reminding myself that all is relative and things only relate to our state of mind...I am thankful for the time I spent with my family and I have accepted that all ends..but I can't be but sad today that this time will be ending soon...I have to turn the switch to off once more and it is hard...

Alfred has something to say!

The sizzling flames in the fireplace,the laughter of my children chasing each other,the flickering light of the scarce candles here and there create a Hallmark atmosphere,yet my mind is not in harmony with the romantic aspect of the situation...I am trying very hard to discern a positive thought amongst all the darkness surrounding me,outside and the anxiety growing stronger inside...
As if Irene was not enough to test my resilience,Alfred is taking a turn playing games with me!
Stranded in a helpless situation,I am trying to reassure myself first and my children second, that everything is going to be fine and that we should take advantage of this opportunity(kind of frequent nowadays) to escape the electronic world of technology and live a simple family life,with lots of bonding and love...
But,I really do miss my dead IPhone and my laptop!I will so keep my despair and nostalgic e-feelings to myself as my oldest daughter is starting to complain that her DSI and Pokemon game are desperately vanishing as well!
I hear other nagging voices echoing my thoughts emanating from an unusually large machine,twelve years of age..My old boom-box has been a faithful companion and friend through the tough moments imposed by the changing weather and the ageing trees of New England...I hear the people in the large neighborhood of Hartford complaining just like me...
It was Halloween.We decide to abide by the rule and to celebrate inside the house,knocking at all the room doors and treating ourselves to two large bags of chocolate and candies...Preparations are underway..I start my artistic transformation of the little flapper girl and flamenco dancer...My girls make-up is stunning and I am proud of my work..I prepare my camera...a picture needs to be shot to commemorate this unique Halloween..We step outside..The four pose cheerfully for me and to our surprise we meet some trick or treaters from two houses down the street...We decide to extend our celebration to the few neighbors who have not fled yet...We had some fun time.The little ones shared their experience and the moms their concern.
Alfred was a tough Autumn snow storm that took the lives of hundreds of trees but gave a fresh breath of caring and love in families and neighborhoods...It brought with him,a lot of flames and memories of adults and children gathered around the fire in some cold dark night...Alfred brought me,my children and my parents together in a space and time that will never be forgotten!

The Race To Nowhere...

Here I am sitting in a grey chair...empty chair, impersonal and cold as the rest of this place...
Negative vibes surround me and try to penetrate the barrier,created by my strong will and desire to view the beauty of life...the unbreakable need to live fully and happily since tomorrow may not happen at all...and I succeed... I go to my shelter,grab my iPhone and start writing...I am happy ..I have come to understand and analyze more  than ever myself and the environment surrounding me!
The race to nowhere...in the most beautiful town...life has become so fast that people miss out on the most essential elements of  living..and drag themselves in this endless race to nowhere...I need to sit down and look up at the sky,see the clouds and trace them in my mind,the amazing shapes of the clouds...The wonders of this life are everywhere and this second will never return...Is it worth it to be torn by anger,despair or regrets? Is it worth it tormenting oneself with irresolvable issues and driving one's mind to the edge of insanity?
In our quest for perfection we have forgotten that we are not immortal and that the race against time is a race against ourselves...Our life is just a race to nowhere,a race to death whether we acknowledge it or not...The same way we were born out of nowhere,regardless of our will,is the same way we will die out to nowhere?
But life is so beautiful...The rays of the sun,the balancing trees dancing to the shadows of the light and to the music of the earth remind me that life is wonderful...
In my quest to overcome my anxieties and my insecurities,I have learned to see life,slow down and count the flowers in the morning...look at the chipmunks playing in my yard and welcome them in my life...
Life without passion,without emotions is empty and dull...As a mother,I have the duty to give my children the essence of my life experience (still very limited...)
Teaching them to be committed to hard work and integrity is a must but what is most important is giving them the time to see the amazing miracles of life surrounding them,whether it is a blossoming flower or a colorful bird,or the beautiful natural paintings of nature in the fall...A happy human being with emotions sculpting wrinkles in their face is a living wonder of life,a beam of light to others ...An unhappy, winning human being in the race to nowhere is just an unhappy human being!!!
Sometimes it is hard to draw a line and go in the other direction,against the race...But,it must be done..to live happily and die,one day, in peace....

Roula.

People,people,people...

People...people...people...
Sometimes I sit down and look around me and wonder what is going on in the head of this or that person...A twist in the sentence,an idea said in a different way is misunderstood...Some people have such a narrow vision that if you don't use the exact same words that they usually use,they would not understand you..or may be they could not understand you..The second theory is more plausible...
What I see,understand,assimilate and analyze seems sometimes quite impossible for others...
I see a flower and I think of God's creation ..I think how beautiful is the world...I also wonder how it all started...Is it God,or just the law of Nature?
This process does not happen for all...People can be automated to think and live a certain way and it is really hard for them to change..and why change?There is some sense of comfort and certainty in the routine of things...
Anyway,I like change,flexibility and people who challenge my way of thinking...Intelligent people attract me and stimulate my neurons!I also want my children to have this freedom of thinking,this evolutionary and always regenerating neuronal ,axonal stimulation...
About axonal stimulation,doesn't it all happen up there in the brain...So how come we say that we feel with our hearts?
I have too much love in my life and my heart nowadays...And I am afraid of tomorrow,when my house echoes only the voices and noises made by my children,and husband...I had forgotten that I once was loved too...that I too have parents who thought the world of me and still do...I had forgotten about all of it!
Life had made me so emotionally automated that I knew only one thing,the duty to give my love and expect nothing in return...and it just makes me cry now,to feel that I am  so much loved and appreciated,but it also makes me so afraid of tomorrow...
So many feelings are in here,in my heart and up there in my brain,but I am not sure that I want to share it ...At least not now,when it is all happening...So I will stop here and try to think and feel...and enjoy the moment!

Love,

Roula.

Inspired...

The days are longer ...less chaos,more emotions..My parents are here and my husband is at work most of the time..
My birthday passed,unnoticed by most as I had wished..Those who are close to me  remembered it and wished me a good year..My expectations were low and few were the people who remembered..It did not matter...Life is a continuum and special dates rarely have an impact on our living,I think...
Today,I read another person's blog and felt the urge to write my feelings,myself! That blogger felt real and was clear..He had the same tone that I sometimes have and I enjoyed reading him...I thought to myself:May be I should make a come back to my shelter,to my shared thoughts,to pouring my feelings on paper...Few friends will read me and enjoy it...Other people will probably over read,analyze and create their own theories...It does not matter...The truth lies in my hands!
I met a lot of people in my life,from different backgrounds,different cultures,of variable intelligence and each and everyone of them was a source of inspiration for me..Life has taught me to be humble,never laugh at the misery of others..People are my inspiration...All of them...even the ones who challenge my patience and efface my compassion.
I feel so relieved and happy,that I see my fingers typing as quick as possible...ideas are racing in my head and I feel fortunate to be able to express myself,the woman I am...By the way,I am not bipolar,Danny!
Dramatization is what my daughter liked in my descriptions...I thought of keeping my blog to myself..Writing and hiding..But advancement would not happen without communication...As humans,we have this urge to express and share our thoughts..Some of us,post on facebook events and feelings,others hide and spy on the social website..but still want the knowledge of others lives..
If silence was the master,I would never be his slave..I love talking,gesturing,laughing ,crying,living,expressing myself!and I love writing...The days were empty without my blog or thinking about it,about the next idea and the next written laughter...I am happy to be back and thankful that I have the few of you as my audience!
So, I welcome myself back in your lives and wish you all good vibes and positive happy thoughts!

Love,

Roula.