Doctor mom is anxious today...
The count down has started.Soon,my parents will be leaving to the land of the Cedars and I need to get both physically and emotionally prepared for their departure.It does not happen spontaneously.My heart does not have an on and off switch.It cannot open up and shut down ad libitum...Its door knob is all rusted and I have made sure all the locks were thrown away...Three months ago,they knocked at my door and I was expected to open up the gates...The woman I became,their daughter, let them in...and now they are leaving me, the little girl they raised,and somehow, the emptiness they are leaving behind is hulking...
This morning,I woke up very early,with a strong chest pain,the pain of sadness.It travels all along from my throat down to my chest and epigastrium and deep down into my bones and thoracic spine...It feels like icicles traversing my body..It strangles me and squeezes my tears..I waited for the daylight and the sunshine,in the hopes that the morning will wash away my tears.
And now I start my usual ritual of looking for the small sparks of joy around me...It all seems like a big lie...It is hope,imagination and abstract happy thinking that keeps the human race going...Meditation and prayer create a virtual world where all is bright and peaceful...and I keep on reminding myself that all is relative and things only relate to our state of mind...I am thankful for the time I spent with my family and I have accepted that all ends..but I can't be but sad today that this time will be ending soon...I have to turn the switch to off once more and it is hard...
The count down has started.Soon,my parents will be leaving to the land of the Cedars and I need to get both physically and emotionally prepared for their departure.It does not happen spontaneously.My heart does not have an on and off switch.It cannot open up and shut down ad libitum...Its door knob is all rusted and I have made sure all the locks were thrown away...Three months ago,they knocked at my door and I was expected to open up the gates...The woman I became,their daughter, let them in...and now they are leaving me, the little girl they raised,and somehow, the emptiness they are leaving behind is hulking...
This morning,I woke up very early,with a strong chest pain,the pain of sadness.It travels all along from my throat down to my chest and epigastrium and deep down into my bones and thoracic spine...It feels like icicles traversing my body..It strangles me and squeezes my tears..I waited for the daylight and the sunshine,in the hopes that the morning will wash away my tears.
And now I start my usual ritual of looking for the small sparks of joy around me...It all seems like a big lie...It is hope,imagination and abstract happy thinking that keeps the human race going...Meditation and prayer create a virtual world where all is bright and peaceful...and I keep on reminding myself that all is relative and things only relate to our state of mind...I am thankful for the time I spent with my family and I have accepted that all ends..but I can't be but sad today that this time will be ending soon...I have to turn the switch to off once more and it is hard...
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